Confused, Nervous, Depressed...

I have a little tradition with my pregnancies. At about 7 1/2 weeks with Annalise and Jonah I started spotting and used this as a excuse to get an early ultrasound. Each time I saw my little baby with a little, fluttering heartbeat and it was such a thrill! So, true to tradition, when I started spotting at 6 /12 weeks with baby #3 I called and scheduled an ultrasound, expecting the same results.

I felt nervous this time, but I had to pee so bad from all the water they told me to drink, that was all I really could concentrate on as I laid down on the ultrasound table. The tech squirted some gel on and took a look, "Wow, your bladder is really full" she said, and then said "here is your uterus and I can see a sac in there. You can go empty your bladder now." I did that and laid back down prepared for her to take a closer look through a vaginal ultrasound.

She measured the sac and pointed out the yolk sac, but it looked really different than the other ultrasounds I've had, it looked empty. The tech then said the sac was measuring 6 wks and 5 days but she couldn't find a baby. I knew this was very bad. She printed out the pictures, but instead of handing them to me to gush over like before, she attached them to my file and sent me back to the doctor's office. I sat down in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women. Jjust minutes ago I was one of them,  here with my little belly sticking out proudly and wearing my maternity jeans, but was I pregnant anymore? Was I ever pregnant?
I began to cry, thinking how cruel it was to make me wait out here surrounded by big, round bellies. Soon, they took me back where the tears really started to flow.

The nurse explained it could be too early to see the baby, and at this stage, just a couple days could make a world of difference. I told her if the sac was measuring 6 1/2 weeks, I really feel like the baby would be visible. She said it was encouraging that there was a sac and a yolk sac, and some women don't even have that. She said she has seen it go either way, but I left the hospital feeling like my baby, if I ever had a baby, was gone. They took some blood and asked me to come back in 2 days to draw some more to see if the levels of hormone were doubling. I was in shock.

After getting home (and eating some chocolate cake I picked up on the way) and sat down and waited for a miscarriage. But nothing happened, no more spotting, no pain. So I hesitantly started searching the internet for answers- here is what I found:

• I definitely had a baby at one point- it just may be too small to see for now.
• Many women have had this experience and gone on to find their babies days or weeks later, even after their doctors recommended a D and C (removal of the baby surgically). 

I found more stories that had a happy ending than stories that ended in miscarriage

I got my HCG results this morning and they read as follows:
Friday, Feb. 24:    1276
Sunday, Feb. 27:   2062

They would be at the lower end of the normal 6 week range. And although the levels are rising, the are not doubling as the doctor was hoping. Is that good or bad or indifferent? I guess we will see, I have another ultrasound scheduled for Friday- a week later than the first one. I have now read that a baby will not be seen by ultrasound unless the levels are at least 1800-2000. This gave me hope, maybe I was literally 2 days too early to see the baby. I pray I can add my story to the dozens of stories that started with an empty sac and and ended with seeing a little baby with a heartbeat.

I started this experience thinking I had lost this baby, but now I feel cautiously optimistic. I pray the right thing will happen and hope the right thing is I will give birth to a healthy baby come October.

The third baby emotional roller-coaster ride continues...